i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
