1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
