i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
