you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she peed on how many people?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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