Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
