complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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