I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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