You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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