I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
