You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
