She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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