I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
