Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
