you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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