do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
