guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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