Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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