just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
