I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
