so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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