Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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