pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
