You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
