i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
