if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
