So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
