wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
