you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
