Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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