I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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