I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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