either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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