oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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