I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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