I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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