all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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