I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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