he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
