its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I fill condoms, not promises.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
