Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
