Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
