Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
