I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Randomize
