i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
