you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
