Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
