Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
