Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
