dude i'm inner monologue high
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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