dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
