I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
