Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
