He disabled his match.com account in front of me
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
