I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
