Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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