I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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