They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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