i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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