Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
