I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
