we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
