My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
